Saturday, August 8, 2009

What If I Am Good Enough? Fear of Success

Current Mood: meh.

Current Song: Great Expectations by Elbow (great band)

So I've been away for a couple of weeks. Suffice it to say that I shouldn't ever stop blogging because the ideas have been brewing in my head since I hit the pillow post-blogathon. Anyway, August has been brutal already and I don't expect it's going to improve significantly on any front. But onwards and upwards right?

Last weekend was the long weekend, and when my family is around one another for prolonged periods of time, we suddenly turn into psychiatrists. This time it was my turn to play patient. I've always wanted to write a novel and having done lots of writing in the last year, my family decided to ask me why I haven't started on this said novel as yet. I thought about it it. For a while too!

It turns out it's not that fear of failure really that's been holding me back. Rather it's the ugly closeted brother we call the "fear of success". It sounds stupid to most of you I'm sure, but I think one leads to the other.

For most of my life, I've held myself to my own expectations (and subsequently extremely high standards). Nobody else really has I don't think. I'm afraid that I will write and I will succeed, and suddenly people will expect me to fit their standard.

Over the last week I've thought more and more about it. If I'm true to my own standards, it would be folly not to do it. If for nobody, then for myself. I would hate to look back at the end of my life and have a list of "shoulda's." It's likely more disappointing to let myself down than it is to think that I might reach the pinnacle and then veer out of control.

It's another trust issue I think. I'm just going to have to learn to put faith in myself and my abilities to handle whatever it is that comes my way: success, failure, hell, high water, locusts, bad makeup....

So I'm happy to report, I've started writing the novel. You can all shut up about it now :)

Will report on this event periodically as the mists clear. Until next week, happy week!


Karim Kanji said...

Looking forward to receiving a signed copy of your novel soon!

Mehnaz said...

you can be first in line at the book tour :)